BLACK&WHITE:]

Saturday, January 5, 2008

I swear to tell the truth,, the only truth and nothing but the truth.

today's a terrible day.

being found out is my worst nightmare.

I planned it to go on for 2 years.

but it only lasted for 4 days.

gawwwd. how pathetic is tht.

all this is bcos of blogging.

this stupid blog.

blogging made me blind.

but how did she know my url ah ?

oh tht doesnt matter now.

fine !

I'm stubborn.

I know.

but I took the risk.

for goodness sake.

I did all I can for us.

I'm stupid.

I'm useless.

I'm hopeless.

I'm idiotic.

I'm stubborn.

I'm selfish.

I'm everything that's bad.

but trust me.

I never did hate you.

I was shopping at bugis when

I received her message.

I thought hard bout what to tell her.

my mood was like shit.

I felt like dying.

I felt like crying.

I even had an argument with

Mama and Seha otw home

bcos of my sudden change of mood

and the expression on my face.

and my rude-ness.

she's unfair.

I know,, Seha is way better than me.

but you shouldnt always defend her

and leave me all alone.

even you yourself said that

she's snobbish.

she cant take care of you

when you're old.

and now you turn everything upside down.

I don't know what's up with us.

or you.

or me.

what's so wrong

to be close to juniors ?

ppl are bad.

those ppl are really bad.

I wonder why they have minds like tht.

yes,, you're too special to me.

I did alot of things about you.

journalling,, poetry.

but I can never be ready to show it to you.

you misunderstood k.

you really did.

I lost my mind at 2.23pm today.

yes I did.

somehow I wish I'm dead.

I felt like dying.

oh please.

or maybe I wish I'm born disabled.

or with mental illness.

I hope I'm at the mental hospital.

at least I don't have to think about

- school

- studies

- friendship/friends

- money

- family

I would just have to wait for my death.

Mama,, don't put on high hopes for me.

I'm hopeless.

I can't study hard.

I simply can't continue.

I can't be like Seha.

yes,, she's better than me.

I can never go acjc.

I cannot get $800 bursary like her.

I can't support you.

I can never lead a better life.

just look at me.

I cannot make you proud.

I won't get a good job when I grow up.

I just pray hard that

I die faster.

sometimes I go to school

go out of this house

hoping someone out there

will be daring enough to murder me

or knock me down.

kill me.

oh I'm so problematic.

it's ok nasyiba.

life sucks afterall.

even if you arent problematic,,

life still sucks ok.

all you have to do is wait.

till the time comes.

and then everything will be over.

just have to deal with ur sins.

and everything else will be fine.

life sucks.

life's pointless.

life's stupid.

life's all about problems.

life's not great.

life fucks.

life's useless.

one moment you feel happy.

but happiness doesn't last forever.

life is about

- hatred

- problems

- revenge

- money

and stuff like tht.

happiness sucks.

it hurts.

why do people yearn for happiness ?

it's nothing.

afterall everyone will die.

what is He trying to show us mannn.

&& till now I'm still searching for it.

I hate life. I swear I do.

and my friend,, just promise me one thing - don't hate me.

black&white ; Saturday, January 05, 2008